Working Through Grief

Every person experiences grief at some time during life. The loss of a loved one can be one of life’s most stressful events and can cause an emotional crisis. Grief is a normal reaction to this loss and is accompanied by a variety of emotions including pain.

When someone you care about dies, you may initially feel numb or even detached. You may experience hopelessness or a feeling of being overwhelmed. These feelings can be the beginning of a healthy process of saying good-bye and learning to grieve for your loss.

Even if the death is expected you may experience a wide range of emotions including denial, confusion, sadness, anger, guilt, or despair. There is no normal order to the grief process and your feelings may change often. It helps to understand that these feelings are normal and common reactions to the loss. You may be surprised by or even afraid of the intensity of your emotions. Knowing that these feelings are a healthy and appropriate response will help you come to terms with your loss. Crying, for example, is a natural physical expression and is often an important part of the grief process. There is potential healing value in crying, because our tears release mood-altering chemicals.

Anger can be one of the more difficult emotions to experience, especially if it is directed toward other loved ones. It also can be displaced onto the health care professionals who were unable to save the person who died. It is helpful to understand that it is a normal regressive experience to also feel anger toward the person who died or “abandoned” us.

Sometimes a person internalizes emotions and they show up physically as sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, stomach pain, nausea or intestinal problems. These are very common and although they may sometimes require medical attention, they usually correct themselves through the healthy grieving process.

Grief is a complex and slow process and is seldom completed within the first year of the loss. This is especially true when a child or parent has died. The most important thing you need is to be around people who will understand and allow you to express your feelings.

Some people find that expressing feelings can be difficult or impossible to do, often because they have not allowed themselves to grieve an earlier loss in their own lives. Find a person who is a sensitive listener, who will allow you to talk about what has happened.

Just as we have different emotional reactions to anything that happens in our lives, so too, will we experience grief and loss in different ways. Honor your own personal process and know that you will move through the grief and heal from your loss. Using available resources can help you on your path toward healing.

Grief After Suicide

Loss to suicide poses difficult problems in grieving for the surviving loved ones. The social stigma due to society’s attitudes towards suicide frequently results in a lack of social and emotional support for the survivors (Rando: 1984). A common emotion experienced by the survivor is guilt for not having prevented the suicide. There may be anger at the deceased for leaving behind the survivor to pick up the pieces; this may fuel the feelings of abandonment or rejection. The survivor may experience shame for the actions of the deceased and internalize these emotions. The survivor often feels isolated because of the “socially unspeakable loss.”

Here are a few steps to working through grief after a suicide:

• Seeking counseling during the first weeks after the suicide is advisable and beneficial. A counselor can help you begin the tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of the loss and experiencing the pain of grief.

• A support group can help the survivor to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. A Survivor of Suicide Support Group provides a safe and supportive environment to explore the impact of suicide on you and your family. Here you can share the confusing emotions during this difficult time with others who have a similar experience. Call 415/984-1900 for information about the next group in San Francisco

• Call the San Francisco Suicide Prevention Crisis Line to discuss your feelings. The numbers are 415-781-0500 or 800-273-TALK. Crisis Lines are not just for people experiencing suicidal thoughts. They are for anyone experiencing crisis, grief or distress.

• Or email our grief staff at grief@SFSuicide.org.

New Groups Forming:

"Living with Suicidality"
This is an 8 week group for family and friends of a suicidal person that is the primary support giver. The focus of this group is to provide emotional support, facilitate the development of coping skills and an understanding of depression.

"Suicide Attempter's Support Group"
This is an ongoing support group for individuals that have had a recent attempt and history of attempts. Facilitated by a licensed Psychologist and a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Sally Cerreta, San Francisco Suicide Prevention’s Clinical Director, can be reached at 415-984-1900 x117 or sallyc@sfsuicide.org to discuss these new groups being offered to the community.

San Francisco Suicide Prevention’s Grief Program is funded by a grant from the State Street Foundation

Contact us by e-mail for more information about our programs and services.
Please send comments about this website to our webmaster
©2007 San Francisco Suicide Prevention.